That makes me

Now playing: Chris Young – That Makes Me
via FoxyTunes

I like an old guitar
Playin’ a Gosdin song
In a smoky bar
That’s what turns me on, yeah

If that makes me a little old school
Go ahead and call me yesterday’s old fool
If that makes me a little throwback
Throw it at me, don’t worry, I can take that
Call me hick, hillbilly Hell I’m proud to be What makes me

I like a 60′s truck
The kind that’s solid steel
The kind that always runs
It takes a man to turn that wheel

If that makes me a little old school
Go ahead and call me yesterday’s old fool
If that makes me a little throwback
Throw it at me, don’t worry, I can take that
Call me hick, hillbilly Hell I’m proud to be What makes me

Yeah, I don’t swear in front of no woman
I answer yes, sir to my old man
I drink my liquor with a side of nothin’
Yeah, good and country that’s what I am

If that makes me a little old school
Go ahead and call me yesterday’s old fool
If that makes me a little throwback
Throw it at me, don’t worry, I can take that
Call me hick, hillbilly Hell I’m proud to be What makes me

So I always liked the few Chris Young songs I heard on the radio, but to be honest I never thought the whole CD was worth buying. However I saw this video which I loved, so I thought maybe it would be worth checking out the rest of the album. It’s excellent. I could write about each one of those songs, but this is the one I settled on for today’s entry.

Something I’ve noticed ever since I was little was how consumed the majority of people seem to be with what others think about them. So much even that many seem to hide how they really are or want to be because of that fear of rejection. Caring what people think about you isn’t nessacarly a bad thing. Wanting to be regarded as a good person is a perfectly logical thing to want to have said about you. But when you care so much about what others think and start to loose part or all of yourself to better “fit in” that’s when it’s gone too far. From as young as I can remember I never really let other people’s judgement bother me. For a good part of adolensence I choose to dress “goth” or “punk” because that was what I related to during that time. Many who dress that way will claim they don’t care about they’re image or what others think of them but having been there myself I find that hard to believe. You don’t put an hour (at least) into your outfit and makeup (regardless of what style you may have) if you don’t care about your image. Like I said before, caring about your image or what people think doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I dressed that way because it was an expression of who I was. I wasn’t trying to fit into anyone’s stereotype, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone. I was  simply creating an image of myself that reflected me, and refeclted what I wanted others to see in me at that particular time. I’ve heard so many young kids who dress like that now claiming they don’t care what anyone thinks and it makes me laugh, knowing that I probally would have said that too when I was that age. But as I got older and began to see things just a bit differently, it became easier to admit I did care what people thought but what was most important was that I portrayed an image that I wanted to. Not because everyone else did it, or because everyone was wearing it. I dressed and acted the way I did because that was who I was. Let the judgement begin.

I’ve always had fairly eclectic tastes in music/lifestyles, so I guess I really shouldn’t have been surprised when I started liking country music. I honestly never expected that to happen, but like most things in life it snuck up on me. I never could have even imagined when I was this age my music collection would be mostly country or my favorite outfit would consist of a cowgirl hat but it does. However different both groups seem to be, I’ve noticed a lot of similarities in the judgments made in high school with the judgments made now. Too often people form an opinion based on a stereotype alone before they get to know someone or really understand what they’re about. For example, in high school I was often labeled “depressed”, “vampire”, “trouble maker”, “at risk”, “doesn’t care about herself”, “worships Satan” or my personal favorite “eater of souls” however, was I any of them? No, I don’t believe I was. Although I do kind of wish I could have at someone’s soul, that sounds kinda interesting. These are typical assumptions of the “goth/punk” lifestyle and I can’t tell you how many times people made them about my friends and I without ever knowing us. I notice the same types of judgments being made about the “country” lifestyle. There’s the “closed minded”, “ignorant”, “lives in a trailor”, “stupid”, “inbred” stereotypes made all the time. Well, again that’s interesting seeing how I’m none of those things. In fact, I can’t think of one person I know who’s interested in these things as well that fits those stereotypes. Except for maybe living in a trailor, but really what’s so wrong with that? I never understood why so many people look down upon it, it’s simply a place to live, end of story. But like most people in high school, many settle on these stereotypes without ever getting to know the person or really understand the lifestyle. Silly me, what am I thinking that would mean people would have to question what they believe and really think about the answer, God forbid anyone ever does that. Now granted there’s going to be people that fit into any stereotype, but does that mean it should include everyone who likes those thing? Or how maybe at one point in time those things were closer to the truth, but should be really be holding everyone now to the same standards even when we have clearly evolved in how we think and view the world? If people took the time to really understand different styles and see things objectively, I think they’d be quite surprised at what they found. I can tell you right now what I listen to for country music (yes I listen to both old and new) and the songs that define who I am, say nothing about being close minded or anything related to that. What they do say, if people would take the time to actually listen is, to be a good person, work hard, have faith in something, support your family, take accountability, admit when you’re wrong, and hold yourself to a higher standard then you might expect from everyone else. I would personally love to see everyone start embracing a few more of these ideas rather then always relying on a stereotype to give you your answers. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, these are the things that make me who I am, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m not looking for approval from anyone but myself. So like the song says “Call me hick, hillbilly, hell I’m proud to be what makes me.”

Lotta Man (In That Little Boy)

Now playing: Craig Morgan – Lotta Man (In That Little Boy)
via FoxyTunes

His life is that blue bike, ball glove an’ fishin’ pole,
Tree-house, BB gun and band aid covered knees.
He does good deliverin’ papers,
An’ cuttin’ grass for the neighbours,
Except for Widow Wilson: he cuts hers for free.
His little hands do a lot for a kid his age,
He puts one-tenth of his hard earned money,
In the offering plate each Sunday by his own choice.
There’s a lotta man in that little boy.

Weekdays, he tries to sleep late:
Weekends, he’s up at daybreak.
Him an’ Roy wadin’ in Cotton Creek.
That dog was like his brother:
You’d seen one, you’d see the other.
Cut one an’ both of them would bleed.
Tires screamed, but that ol’ truck couldn’t stop.
There’s the tree that he buried him under;
He made a cross from scraps of lumber,
An’ on it carved: “God Bless ol’ Roy.”
There’s a lotta man in that little boy.

There’s a house, down where he goes fishin’:
He told his Mom: “Those kids got nothin’,
“And I don’t need all these toys.”
There’s a lotta man.
(There’s a lotta man. There’s a lotta man.)
In that little boy.

One of my favorite Craig Morgan songs. I’m always amazed at how children seem to act more grown up then adults a good amount of the time, and how infrequently adults seem to reconzie this. Children often have the answers to the questions that adults for some reason, can never figure out. We just have to listen.

Looking back on my work with children, I’m often reminded how easily they can take a situation that any adult would find difficult or confusing, simplify it and then look at you like “and you couldn’t figure that out?” I never punished or criticized them for doing this, in fact more often then not it made me laugh. Honestly, most of the time the answer had been right in front of us and yet in our adult world we couldn’t seem to figure it out. Looking back to a summer day years ago, a little boy just barley six years old had been left at the playground after school. The after school program I had been working for was getting ready to bring all the kids inside when another student came up and informed me the little boy had been forgotten by his mom and didn’t know what to do. Naturally, I took him inside with our group and made the appropriate calls as did the rest of the staff. At the same time saying to each other, how could someone do this to their own child. Now, not only did we have the issues of finding the parents and notifying police and social workers but here was this terrified little boy in a group of about 100 kids and adults he had never met before. So in our adult world we tried to think of everything that would make him feel better, find things he might like to do and try to reassure him everything would be ok when we all knew it wouldn’t. Half an hour later he was still visibly upset and we had little success trying to find something that he liked to do. That was until one of my other students, who to put it nicely was not known for his empathy towards anyone else said very simply “why don’t you just leave him alone and I’ll ask him if he wants to play a game.” I thought, well us crowding around him clearly wasn’t helping and our efforts to reassure him were getting us no where so I said, sounds like a good idea. Within 10 minutes the boy was no longer crying and getting ready to play a game with this other child, simply because in his mind playing with someone was enough to make him feel better. I realized then that no matter how many times we had tried to talk to him, try to explain what was happening or make him feel better that at that moment he needed to just escape from it. He needed that distraction to be able to handle the police bringing him home, and the social worker taking him away when he had got his things. Maybe whatever the other child said to him helped him as well, when you think about it, if all the adults in your life have never followed through or never been there for you what would make someone trust one they don’t even know? So in a matter of 10 minutes a child figured out a solution for a problem that the adults couldn’t seem to figure out in an hour. I had to laugh at that, our intentions were good and there’s no question we were trying to do what was best but sometimes your best solution is to look to other children for your answers. When the police arrived I watched as him and the other boy walked over to them together and before leaving, the other boy gave him a hug and said he would see him tomorrow. This coming from a child I had never seen show that kind of empathy towards anyone before, let alone hug another child. That right there  showed a lot of man in that little boy.

Taking you Home

Now playing: Don Henley – Taking You Home
via FoxyTunes

I had a good life
Before you came
I had my friends and my freedom
I had my name
Still there was sorrow and emptiness
‘Til you made me glad
Oh, in this love I found strength I never knew I had
And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I’m taking you home
Taking you home
There were days, lonely days
When the world, wouldn’t throw me a crumb, no no
But I kept on believing
That this day would come
And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known, no no baby
Take my hand love
I’m taking you home
I’m taking you, home
Where we can be with the ones who really care
Home, where we can grow together
Keep you in, my heart forever
Oh and this love
Is like nothing I have ever known, oh no no baby
Take my hand love
I’m taking you home
Oh this love
Is like nothing I have ever known, no no baby
Take my hand.
I’m taking you home.

I found a new feature that records what I’m listening to on itunes and will track the song without me having to write it all down. I’m sure I’ll find new things to keep adding before I really settle on a “standard” entry. Today’s song was chosen because it reminded me of 3 years ago, when I first started seeing Seamus. Now, there’s a great deal of songs that I could use, but tonight this one stood out to me.

When I think back on the night I met him, I can’t help but think I’m one of the lucky ones. One of those people who stumbles upon another person and realizes although you’ve just met, you’ll probably never feel the same way about anyone again. I had met him in the parking lot of my college dorm at the time, not quite knowing what to expect. Sure, we had been emailing since Christmas and I can’t even remember how many of those surveys about yourself that he had filled out I read but it wasn’t making the nervousness go away. Although unlike your typical nervous feeling this was happier, like the start of something really good. Walking to his truck I tried to play it off in my head like it was no big deal, just meeting a friend for a concert, that was all. Well, I suppose that would have worked until I climbed into his truck where my eyes met his for the  first time. I knew right then, this was it. This was what I had been looking for, what I had wanted, what every failed relationship had been leading up to. I’m sure some cynics out there would say it isn’t possible, or it was just because it was new. To them I hope someday they meet that person who proves them wrong. While I knew I was interested him, nothing prepared me for that and if you had asked me before if you could feel so strongly about something the moment it happens I doubt I would have said you could. The relationship I had wasted 6 years of my life on was nothing like what I wanted, to be honest it hadn’t been for quite some time. The guys I had dated in the periods of the time we weren’t together, well they weren’t what I wanted either. Not completely that is, sure there was always a few things, sometimes more then a few that I saw in a person I was seeing but there was always something missing. However, here, in this moment I had found that, the thing that was missing was looking right into my eyes and I couldn’t have stopped it if I wanted to. Through the good times and the bad that feeling never went away. I won’t deny there were days when I blocked it from my thoughts, or tried liked hell to forget but deep down I knew he was exactly who I wanted to be with. As I reflect on the past 3 years I can honestly say we’ve had more good times then bad, and while it’s not always easy I wouldn’t have it any other way. We have the type of love that seems rare these days, the type that most people I know swear doesn’t exist. He’s not only my boyfriend but my best friend, and tonight I’m reminded of a night three years ago where it all began.

One Particular Harbor

Jimmy Buffett
“One Particular Harbor”
One Particular Harbor, 1983

“Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei

I know I don’t get there often enough
But God knows I surely try
It’s a magic kind of medicine
That no doctor could prescribe

I used to rule my world from a pay phone
Ships out on the sea
But now times are rough
Oh I got too much stuff
I can’t explain the likes of me

But there’s this one particular harbor
So far but yet so near
Where I see the days as they fade away
Finally disappear

But now I think about the good times
Down in the Caribbean sunshine
In my younger days I was so bad
Laughin’ about all the fun we’ve had

I seen enough to feel the world spin
Mixin’ different oceans meetin’ cousins
Listen to the drummers and the night sounds
Listen to the singers make the world go ’round

Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei

Lakes below the mountain
Flow into the sea
Like oils applied to canvas
Oh how they permeate through me

But there’s this one particular harbor
Sheltered from the wind
Where the children play on the shore each day
And all are safe within

A most mysterious calling harbor
So far but yet so near
Where I can see the day when my hair’s full gray
And I finally disappear

Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei

Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei

Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei

(Ua pau te maitai no te fenua)
(Te zai noa ra te ora o te mitie)
(Ua pau te maitai no te fenua)
(Te zai noa ra te ora o te mitie)“

What a great song to start off a first entry. I let itunes shuffle decide what I should write about today and I couldn’t have picked a better one myself. This has always been a favorite one of mine and I think everyone’s got that one place they can call their “one particular harbor.”

Up until that point, A1A was just another Jimmy Buffett cd, I had no idea what the seven mile bridge was and Key West was some far away place that seemed painfully out of reach. Really, how was a working college student susposed to find the time or the money to even consider making the trip down there. Not to mention trying to do so on my own because parrot head friends are hard to find where the weather’s cold 9 months out of the year and the ones who might consider going, are in similar situations. Although thinking back I’d like to say I would have gone on my own one way or the other and knowing me I probally would have. I never was one to be uncomfertable on my own, orwhere I didn’t know anyone and I’m sure I wouldn’t have let that stop me from getting to a place that I desperatly wanted to see. However, in March of 07, was it 07? Oh well, I’ve never been able to keep dates and years organized…I found myself in an airport waiting to get on a plane for the first time since I was a baby to fly into Miami and then travel via rental car to Key West. Now, let me back up a little since I was just saying how impossible that idea seemed. 3 months earlier I had met Seamus, in person that is, we had been emailing for maybe a month or so, and in those emails I had mentioned wanting to go to Key West. Hitting it off instnatly when we met in person, a first date turned into more of a weekend then a night (now don’t go getting any ideas, it wasn’t a random hook-up nor did it turn into anything like that, we had just met!) but after the Toby Keith concert, sitting on the floor of my dorm room (which had no heat because I didn’t know how to turn it on…yeah go me) he asked if I had wanted to go there for my Spring Break in March. Now as if the fact that I really wanted to go, and the room was freezing, plus the snow and ice outside from it being a typical Janurary day in New England wasn’t enough to make me say yes, this was a whole week with him. I’ll admit it was a little crazy, making plans to spend a week alone with someone I had just met in person and had only been alone with for the hours leading up to that moment. I mean how did I know if we would get along or be able to find things to talk about just the two of us, together the entire time? That question didn’t once cross my mind and it wasn’t until I was telling a friend about this and she asked if I had even consisdered that before accepting. Honestly, no I didn’t, blame it on the excitement of a first date or how well it was going, or how everything just felt right but the thought never even crossed my mind to say no or to think about my response in the upcoming weeks before leaving. So it was a little crazy, but to quote Jimmy, “if we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.” Now back to where I was, we landed in Florida and I instnatly fell in love with it. Not only was it warm and sunny, but there were plam trees and everyone knew who Jimmy Buffett was. As we crossed over the seven mile bridge into Key West there was a sense of belonging, like I had just come home after being away for years. Granted I had never been there before, but I think that’s what makes songs like one particular harbor, there’s places we all connect to for a variety of reasons. Some are easily explained like where you grew up, or a place you spent your summers as a child. Some, like mine, are places you had only heard about but when you get there, you just know it’s that “one particular harbor.”

So what’s yours?